Tomorrow is the last day of this impossible year, and I’m waiting for 2017 with a mixture of hope and trepidation. This year I’ve learned that there are times when I must let things be, and other times when being quiet simply won’t do. In the last few weeks, I’ve really felt this need for change in my life. Granted, I’ve felt this before. In fact, I believe I’ve blogged about it. But this time it’s different. This time there’s a pulling in my gut, a nagging that won’t go away. There’s an odd sense of urgency regarding my writing and my other creative endeavors.
I’ve spent the last month and a half being so busy that I haven’t had time to really stop and be in the moment. Hours turned to days which turned to weeks. The routine of waking, working, homework, meeting, sleep became such a blur that I started losing my sense of time and reality in the process. As I’m lying here now, typing this out on my phone, I’ve realized this is the first time in a while that I’ve really had time to stop and write out how I’m feeling.
I also realized that the only reason why this is, is because my body has forced me to do so.
I walked away from today’s Apple Event surprised by a few things, and excited about everything. Here’s my quick recap and reaction.
I increasingly find myself practicing self-preservation. It often feels like I’m treating myself like a child. I ensure I’m watching mindless shows, make myself take naps if I’m too tired, unplug more often, and if I’m bothered I try to do something I know will bring me joy. I’ve noticed doing this helps my mental health a bit simply because I’m taking more control over the way I spend my time and media I intake.
Of course one should stay away from whatever may make their mental health worse, but oftentimes it’s not that simple. In using self-preservation, I find that I can better handle situations when avoidance is impossible.
I’ve struggled to write this post for a while due to worries about how it will be accepted, but I think this is something I need to express and get off my chest.
My experiences with GAD, OCD, and depression are not a secret on this blog. However, what I may not have mentioned is that I previously took Celexa for the latter condition a few years ago and it did wonders for getting me back to a functioning place. Today, while I’m in a functioning place, I still experience my share of great, good, and bad days. My therapist suggested daily medication to ease my symptoms a handful of times over the course of our sessions together. However, I currently don’t take medication for my conditions. In doing so, I’ve learned two things. One, that opting not to take medications for my mental illnesses is rather controversial and two, that my choice will often leave me feeling pressured to change my mind about how I want to help my mind.
I’ve suffered from nightmares nearly every day for the past week. I wake up with a racing heart, unable to go back to sleep. Despite the fact I know it was a nightmare, my mind tells me for many minutes afterward that what I dreamt will actually happen.
In reality, I’m fully aware that what I dreamt can undoubtedly happen.
Ever had one of those sessions where you don’t say what you mean, you’re too quiet, or you’re unable to express things effectively? Well, for me, today was one of those days. Today, I feel like I unintentionally wasted an appointment.